An Open-Letter to my Rapist
Dear AE,
You ask why I’m not calling or texting or staying in touch. You ask why I’ve disappeared right before I’m supposed to come out for a visit. My answer? It’s simple, really. April is Rape Awareness Month.
You are a rapist. You raped me. You violated me. You took my dignity. You stole my pride. You took a piece of my innocence that I’ll never be able to recover. We shared a 9.5 hour play session where you introduced me to the Lifestyle. Mostly, it was wonderful. Mostly, I enjoyed myself. Mostly, we didn’t discuss limits. That did not mean you had consent to rape me. Anal sex is still sex. Anal rape is still rape. The fact that I was tied up and gagged and couldn’t tell you to stop or scream and push you away didn’t make it okay. The fact that I was too shocked to react didn’t make it okay. It wasn’t okay. It’s still not okay.
It’s taken me years, AE, to realize what you did to me. Years. You’ve been a coward. You’ve never admitted the violence and brutality of what you did. You’ve never admitted to being a predator. You’ve never even apologized for victimizing me. No; I am not coming to visit you this weekend or ever. I am not your friend, your pet, your plaything, your toy. I am not your victim, nor anyone else’s. I am a survivor.
And by the way, the recommendation you made me of that man that was most certainly the safest choice of the bunch to date because he was an upstanding member of the community and a well-known member of a well-known local club, well, he went on to assault and rape me, too, by knifepoint. He also brutally beat me and drew blood. All non-consensually. The ironic part? He mentioned you while he was attacking me.
Because it is April and April is Rape Awareness Month, AE, I will say it again; and I will say it for AB, too: I am not your victim. I am not your plaything. I am not your toy. I am a survivor. Hear me roar. And watch me walk away from you forever.
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Essin' Em
1 year ago
Thank you for sharing this. For everyone that shares their stories, a small ball of power is created, and it just grows and grows. This is how we give the power back to survivors.
My recent post HNT: Summer Begins!
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Arabella Truth
1 year ago
Thanks, Essin' Em. That ball of power is what helps me to get up in the morning. It's what motivates me to find my voice again and again, even when I'm in tears, or hesitant. It's that claiming of survivorship that has gotten me this far, and it's people like you who have changed my life forever, and make it more beautiful by the day.
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Gabriel Gadfly
1 year ago
I have trouble approaching this with a rational calm. The thought of someone violating a person I love like this makes me so angry, and it awakens a deeper, darker side to my own sadism, motivated by a thirst for revenge. I'd like very well to teach these creatures a lesson in pain, predation, and knives.
What is it, then? Giving them a taste of their own medicine? I feel like I could justify it with that. But where is the slope, and how far am I willing to slip down it? I think I'd become too much like them.
Peace, Khandroma. Sometimes I feel like that's all I can send you and sometimes I feel like that's not enough.
My recent post Two Knives and the Catch of the Day
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Khandroma
1 year ago
Thank you for your comment, Gabriel Gadfly. And for the Peace. And for having the courage to post both here. It means a whole hell of a lot to me. I don’t know where the slope is, but I know that it can be slippery.
I haven’t personally experienced that kind of outwardly directed violent-rage. Most of my anger has been (appropriately or inappropriately) directly at myself after these traumatic experiences and I’ve dwelt long in the realms of guilt and regret.
Survivorship is a strange thing. But I feel like I’m growing up. And I feel like I’m learning some very powerful lessons on how valuable it is to actually give voice to experience and to write directly to those who have perpetrated. Maybe I’m not only becoming a writer and a survivor, but I’m also blossoming into a woman and a full-bodied, full-blooded human, aged like a fine wine. Who would’ve imagined?
Blessings.
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Button
1 year ago
I have no words. But I am present with you.
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Khandroma
1 year ago
Thank you, dear, sweet Button. I appreciate your presence with me, here, now, more than you know.
My recent post April is Rape Awareness Month.
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Khandroma
1 year ago
from AE: "He mentioned me? You are a lying and STUPID cunt…and obviously confused.(I don't own a gag, but you do, remember) I never referred ANYONE to you, are you out of your fucking mind or just Delusional. How dare you? Don't ever contact me again."
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Khandroma
1 year ago
Yes, AE. He mentioned you. I am sorry to see that your maturity has not seemed to increase by even a single iota. I was not trying to start a flame-war. I was simply trying to raise awareness (my own and yours and the world's) about that which is devastating and hurtful and tragic. April is Rape Awareness Month. Survivors need to know that there are safe-space forums where they can give breath to their feelings and find support in return.
I don't lie. Maybe my mind misplaced a single detail in the traumatic aftermath. Maybe you didn't have me literally gagged at that moment—was that just the part when you took my words away and told me to bark like a dog? Was that it, AE?
And yes, you did recommend someone to me. We had a fairly long conversation about him after you raped me.
I'm not out of my mind. I'm not delusional. I'm not a STUPID cunt, thankyouverymuch. And last I checked, it's not illegal to be traumatized and be walking around with PTSD. It's also not illegal in the state where I reside to own a few sex toys for recreational or therapeutic purposes. For the record, I legally purchased my gag to help myself in the therapeutic recovery from the brutal assault at knifepoint that I experienced after you raped me, AE. (And in case it wasn't obvious, you don't get to know all the little details of my life. Consider that a gift.)
To be clear, it is, however, illegal to prey on the innocent, to be a perpetrator, AE. You are a rapist. You belong behind bars.
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