Safety steel and roller coaster prayers, and I close my eyes and fall into the repetition of the mantra. 108 supplications before the garland of the heavens has served its purpose. SOMETHING ABOUT THE GIVING, AND THE TAKING OF…
Revolving door is the way of the serial polyamorist. Monogamy, she said, is like straight. A myth. Narrative of multiple desire. DREAMING INTO THE IMAGINED FUTURE IN ORDER TO GIVE ONESELF PERMISSION TO HAVE IT. WRITING DOWN THE STARS. TURNING THE KEY IN THE HEART. Raw silk cushion and a temperature too low to sustain life. Safety steel and roller coaster prayers, and I’m blanketed by the rain.
And all day it’s been a chorus of morbidity. The dance with mortality. And all those hours of Buddhist meditation on impermanence, on PRETENDING I WAS DEAD, have finally borne fruit. Damnit. I hate being vulnerable to death to dis-ease to breaking shattering burning freezing.
YOU CAN’T PUT A PRICE ON LIFE AND THEY ALL THINK THEY CARE MORE THAN I DO.
I care. I value my life cherish this precious human birth am not ready to give it up. AND SO I WILL BE THE WARRIORESS. Warrioress to get into the right doctors ASAP. Warrioress in my heart, willing to face feel confront all of the emotions inside of me.
WARRIORESS TO SHOW MY NEED MY FEAR MY WEAKNESS. Warrioress who asks for help. Who lets the doctors do their healing magic without resistance or interference of any sort. Passive. Young. Sick. Frightened. Warrioress who acknowledges her illness. Who stands up, and with tears streaming down her face says, “Help me. I’m dying. Please help me.”
Screams piercing the veil of other people’s ignorance. AND THIS HEALING IS FOR ME. AND THIS HEALING IS FOR THE WORLD.
SAFETY STEEL AND ROLLER COASTER PRAYERS. It’s an adrenaline rush I didn’t sign up for and we’re at the gates of choice: Life or Death.
There is both severity and immediacy to this situation.
OM TARE TUTTARE TURE MAMA AYUH PUNYA JNANA PUSTIM KURU YE SVAHA and I surrender myself. To Goddess, to G-d.
I am scared.
And I will take action.
I am taking action.
ALL SHALL BE WELL.
I am terrified. And I hate this. And I’m about to get better: TO HEAL. TO BE GIVEN LIFE. So hum.
