Secret Happiness Dreams.

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DISCLAIMER: Giggles and fragments and exclamation points to follow.

My secret happiness dreams have always been about beauty art perfection of design. Having a safe home, and a home so filled with love that i could feel it walking inside the door, even if I was blindfolded. Knowing that clearly what love feels like in my whole body. Not needing my eyes to know. Ohhhh… but even more having that feeling EVERYWHERE. All around this world, not needing to be in a specific place but to feel love everywhere. Touching it all the time! Not needing a permission slip to feel it. To see it.

There’s my dream of the perfect house in the suburbs somewhere, cookie-cutter on the outside (because ugh even though I loathe to admit it, part of that cookie-cutter design really appeals to me. So orderly. Everything all lined up!), but with a beautiful dungeon on the inside. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Happiness looks like baking bread from scratch every week, like clockwork. In a perfect kitchen. Filling up my home with the smell of it, the love and prayers that go into that ritual for me. Baking for Shabbat if I can… To time it perfectly and start early early Friday morning, having the bread ready along with the rest of the dinner just before sunset just before candlelighting. And having a home full of loved ones to share it with. Ohhhh… and every other week, baking bread with someone, teaching the tradition the ritual the perfection of it all and all the little tricks that make it turn out good beyond imagination.

Happiness looks like a spotless home, clean space, immaculate yard. And getting rid of clutter. Not holding on to possessions for security. Living simply.

Happiness looks like cleaning rituals, looks like a spotless bathroom and then lighting a candle on the countertop, a spotless kitchen and then lighting a candle on the stovetop, a spotless dungeon and then lighting the wall sconces. Heeeheehe. I love candles. (More on that later…)

Happiness looks like time to make my art… to get lost in my creative side, the flowing water of the feminine, of the muse, of the writer the artist the theorist. Looks like making art alone AND collaboratively. Looks like writing all over my walls when I get the urge (Okay.. on butcher paper, if I have to!) But not suppressing that desire. (Heeeheehe. Sometime I should write about the epic poems that I wrote on shower tiles. One tile every shower, like a glorious quilt that is somehow more precious when the water caresses it and smears the words.)

Happiness looks like not just writing, but photography, making jewelry, painting, building with power tools. Soldering circuit boards, sewing, graphic design, weekend projects around the house. And always expanding my notion of what Art is and how it can look. Heeheeehee. I’m just in love with creating!

Happiness looks like not just making art, but getting it out there! Sharing it. Through publishing and book tours, speaking engagements and workshops. Ohhhhh happiness looks like teaching writing, helping other people tap into the wellspring of expression inside themselves.

Happiness looks like dancing under snowflakes and in rainstorms, not afraid to get wet, embracing nature and laughing crying singing with it. Looks like spending time outside every single day no matter the weather.

Happiness looks like helping people from my heart. Looks like starting a non-profit or doing the work of social entrepreneurship. Working for people with people about people. Looks like giving all my little projects wings. Looks like no longer doubting that they can make a difference in the world.

Happiness looks like getting over my money shit. And accepting financial abundance from the Universe for the work that I’ll do, no matter what form it takes. Being wildly successful. Having more than enough and then some.

Happiness looks like LOVING my body every day regardless of the number staring back at me from the scale or how my jeans fit. Looks like moving every day and exercising and eating good things when I’m hungry and that’s it and not starving myself. Happiness looks like taking care of this body as best I can, knowing it’s the only one I have, and that it is sacred. Deep happiness dreams of perfection and beauty looks like being thin, but toned, beautiful muscle structure gorgeous body on gorgeous frame like a dancer. Mmmmmmm. Looks like shedding this unneeded weight. Looks like sculpting my body and maintaining it. Looks like being undeniably goddamn sexy. Being a supermodel alien! Heeheehee. Looks like glowing radiant skin, sparkling eyes, perfect posture, long shiny hair. Mmmmmmmmmmm!

Happiness looks like transforming my confidence, looks like believing in myself and my capability. Looks like chasing my dreams and achieving them. Looks like no longer undermining my desire. Looks like nourishing my life as I create it. (Not destroying it.) Happiness looks like being led by my cunt, my heart. Looks like me following!

Happiness looks like not being entwined with the people who have hurt me. Happiness looks like telling all the secrets my cunt and stomach hold and releasing releasing releasing while Mother Earth holds me close and takes the burden, transmutes it.

Happiness looks like being an alchemist. Looks like being able to take everything I am given and transform it to create more beauty more perfection more love more art in this world! Looks like not keeping myself away from those things that make my heart sing. Looks like being a vessel. Looks like living it.

Happiness looks like being proud of the choices I’m making for myself. Looks like watching and witnessing and choosing differently next time when things aren’t as good as they could be. Looks like not being led by my old compulsions, addictions, but by the will of my very best self!

Happiness looks like me running toward love, not away from it.

Happiness looks like routine. Looks like having a structure that I can find freedom, breath, within.

Happiness looks like tea every day. At least one cup. And quiet time while I’m drinking it. Time to be still.

Happiness looks like prioritizing, looks like making time to meditate and touch peace. Looks like filling my world with calm. Looks like abandoning refined sugar and caffeine and addictive uppers and adrenaline stimulants (especially in the form of drama. tantrum. etc.) for better-for-me choices.

Happiness looks like green smoothies and fresh salads. Looks like my body running clean. Looks like boundless energy to jump and dance and leap and cry and work and run and create and love.

Happiness looks like surrounding myself with chosen family. Looks like friendships that mature and nuture and feed and fuel. Relationships that open and heal. Looks like laughing from true joy.

Happiness looks like breaking! Looks like breaking my self heart and cunt open to life and love and ecstasy!

Happiness looks like flying soaring floating cumming in the sky and in the gutter. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm!

(What are YOUR secret happiness dreams?)