She grew up and it was this process, and it never seemed to end AND THE SKY TURNED ORANGE WITH THE EFFORTING OF IT ALL. She grew up and her old life shrugged its shoulders, wondering where it was that she scampered off to…
She grew up and the stars whispered to her every night when she fell asleep because she blocked them out during the sunshine hours. IT’S NOT REALLY ABOUT THAT. IT’S NOT REALLY ABOUT ANY OF IT.
If I can put it into words, then I’m not reflecting that core that looks like a tangled ball of multi-colored yarn. IF I CAN PUT IT INTO WORDS, I MUST BE MISSING SOMETHING. If this existence was so perfect for expression, there would be one how-to book and it would give us all the answers. But instead there are thousands of books, and she grew up.
She grew up when I blinked, and I cried because I was scared that I missed the beauty of the chrysalis phase. SHE GREW UP, BLOSSOMING INTO SASSY CURTSIES, ALWAYS WINKING FROM BEHIND HER SUNGLASSES.
WAS SHE ENOUGH FOR THE WORLD? WAS ANY OF HER NOT ENOUGH?
Sometimes I wish that I felt more connected to her. She grew up, and left me in the dust behind the silver pickup truck parked on the dry browning grass.
I can’t focus to write because other things keep creeping into my head and I all I know is that I want my fingers to keep moving over these keys, these letters, stringing them together like new Christmas lights right out of the box, creating something tangible that I can hold and brush against my face when I start to get sleepy. By sleepy I mean exited. BY EXITED I MEAN THOSE MOMENTS THAT I FALL INTO A SEPARATE REALITY AND FORGET WHAT WE’RE DOING AND WHY.
She grew up. THE SUN CRACKED THE WINDOWPANE ABOVE THE KITCHEN SINK. And suddenly the dried flowers looked altogether too dead. The curtains were tied, strung up as if their sole purpose was to kiss the ceiling. She grew up and now she needs to get her sex-life in order, and quick. “I guess that yesterday’s not good enough for you,” he sang.
AND SHE KEPT GROWING UP UP UP. Up into her identity crisis.
(written 4.16.08)
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I really like this line. “But instead there are thousands of books, and she grew up.”Also, here, “By sleepy I mean exited. BY EXITED I MEAN” do you mean exited? Or excited?
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Thanks, love. Your feedback helps me become a stronger writer. I so appreciate it. All of it. As far as your question, I did mean “exited,” but I asked myself the same thing as I was transcribing, re-reading and recording. Hell, I suppose it could go either way. “Exited” is the word I intended when I first wrote it, though.
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